Why is it we feel so locked up at the end of winter? For godsake, it's not like we don't leave the house. It's not as if we all live in a tundra, frozen solid and wretched, buried under mountains of snow, to the point of near-starvation once our salted reserves run out. We get out, we buy food, we entertain ourselves from time to time. So why does a little warm weather (Springtime warm being roughly 50 degrees in the sun) drag us all out of our houses?
Because we're all closeted Pagan swingers. That's right. Every one of us wants to find the nearest semi-attractive cretin and pound their brains out with our genetalia. Just imagine, if we could get our collective hands around one another's throats, we would cudgel the life out of each other's pissers until we were so bruised we had to hide indoors for another few months. In fact, if it weren't for Jayzus Chrust, or Mo-Hamd, or whatever those Jews worship (golden sex calves?), we would be returning to our awful Pagan roots and leaving our idiot spouses for greener (literally) pastures.
But I jest.
Jest git yer pants off and let's screw! I mean it. Spring brings out the devils in us like Fathers Merrin and Karras beating up on that sexy nymphette in her bedroom during the (s)Exorcist. It's something terrible, let me tell ya.
I was out this afternoon taking pictures of Decaying Des Moines (copyright's reserved, in case you feel like stealing that little plum). I was getting shots of the Des Moines Brewery on SW 3rd & MLK (home of Old Tavern beer!) when some old woman walked by and asked me not to take her picture. The camera was most definitely not pointing at her, I assure you. But when I turned to look, this grandmother (60+) had her green dyed hair up in pigtails, and she was wearing short, short, shorts with green and black striped sox, a green sports bra, and nothing else. I said, "Oh, are you out for St. Patrick's Day?" she smiled - and not an innocent smile of confirmation. More of a leering, tongue wringing, ball grabbing smile that made me sick to see.
This is what we have become. Sex crazed maniacs. I'm not complaining, not by any means, but why hasn't some politician made an ass of himself debating this on live television yet? Why haven't Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton been caught up in a raw sex scandal in some piss soaked brothel? Why hasn't Tony Weinermobile been nabbed for sexting again? Where are our moral authorities during these fateful hours?
Probably planning to swindel the hell out of us.